He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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