Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
50% drunk capacity currently
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
