do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
