haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
