I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
