New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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