Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
