I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
