I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
