I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
