All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
