if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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