When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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