please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
