I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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