Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
