she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
