someone threw a dead crab at me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Lo siento on account of my penis...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
