If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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