a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
