Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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