do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
