We named our party play list daddy issues
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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