fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
