Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
