We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
