Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
