How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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