I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
