my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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