i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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