I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So here I am, sexting at work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
