"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
