either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
