Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
