She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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