My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
