Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
