I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
