it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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