The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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