I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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