There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
