By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
