Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
