I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
