I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
