it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
