Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
