you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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